I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
