I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
