Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
