You can't motorboat a personality
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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