the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
