It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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