I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
And then my night got REAL pukey
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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