Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
