I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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