I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
