There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
