How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
