I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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