you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
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