you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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