If that was your dad, he is hot
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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