i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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