I didn't shave. On purpose
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
