Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
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Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
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I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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