oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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