My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My cat gives me a boner
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
