Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm too high and old for this...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
