morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
