Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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