I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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