our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
