the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
