omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
