i barfeds in our rink
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
