There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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