I feel like I'm in dance class right now
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
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