as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I need moral support for this bender
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
