i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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