Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
