This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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