One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
