if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
