Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
