i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
