I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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