I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
