They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
