i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
