I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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