My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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