Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
