my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
