Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
