If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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