I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize