we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
