I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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