Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
