I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
