I wish I could teleport
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
