Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
