I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
