I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
