I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
