When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
