I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
