I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
